Are you happy?
My answer would be „I don`t know.“
What is happiness, really? The feeling of joy or to not have the urge to complain? Is it a feeling or a fact that your life is comfortable even though you don`t think about it every day?
I feel dull. There is a void. Without a reason.
I have a job with a position I`ve always wanted.
I do not have a bad salary even though it is lower than normally for such position but still…
I have a boyfriend.
My old dog is currently ok (knock, knock, knock (for luck, you know)).
I have two or three very good friends I can rely on.
I am healthy so far and I don`t have any significant problem.
But still, I do not feel happy. But why, damn it?
I found out that something is wrong with me when I`ve got the position of Test manager. It was something I though I will do in three or four years. I am doing it now. That`s an opportunity!
But where is the joy? Why am I not smiling and jumping to the roof? Why?
I do like my job. It`s creative and I learn a lof of new stuff now. Do not be mistaken. I really do.
But why? Why am I not happy? What`s wrong with me?
Is it my not so perfect relationship which probably has no future at all? Is it the fact that everyone around me in my age is getting married and having children and buying houses and flats?
I don`t have my own home. I still live in one room with another roommate in the flat. We are very good friends though and I love the flat and the location. But still, I am an adult and I should live on my own, shouldn`t I?
Is it really this or it is just the society and the rules which are pushing me to not be happy with myself?
The last time I was happy it was in Barcelona in September. Because I didn`t think at all. I was just absorbing the city and the new experience.
There was one night, after the break up (like three weeks after that), I was out with this guy. He was handsome, smart, funny. He was a director in a very interesting company and he was quite rich but not material. He didn`t seek relationships, just…companions. I wasn`t ready for a relationship as well, yet.
We went for a dinner and then for a drink. We danced. And in the end of the night, we kissed several times. Then I went home.
I enjoyed the night, I enjoyed the summer and that I was kind of free. But when I got home I started weeping. Like really hystorical. I wasn`t happy. Even though it seemed like I was even to me. It was weird.
And that is the feeling I constantly feel – I m pretending to be happy. I smile, I laugh, I have fun, but in the end, I don`t.
I found out that something is missing all the time for the whole year. Is it possible? But what is it? I feel constantly ungrateful that I don`t feel happy for what I have.
Yesterday, I`ve talked with my friend. She studies an university and her parents aren`t the richest. She has to support herself on her own. And I was taken aback how she is able to do it. It was unimaginable for me, impossible. The way she is handling money is incredible. And she feels happy.
I still don`t have enough.
In the evening I also watched this documentary called Minimalism. The way the people in there talked about happiness and how they felt it made me cry. I feel the same way.
I feel constantly pushed by society to find a husband, to buy a house, to have a child soon enough, to work hard, to earn good money and to buy the latest fashion (and not just clothes).
We are constantly being reminded that life is short and that being rich and life in luxury is the way to happiness. But is it, really?
Yes, life is short. This is my biggest fear ever, that I will lose the time and that I won`t enjoy my short life.
And you know what? I think I am loosing my time. By this fucked up feeling I have because of the unwritten rules of the society. And by nature, as we are getting older and older and our bodies are more and more damaged.
I would like to try some tips from the documentary of Minimalism. Get rid of things which don`t have a proper value for my life. To make things simpler. To live simpler. And to reconnect with people.
- I want to select 30 pieces of my clothes and use just them for three months.
- I want to go through my personal things and get rid of the most of them. I want to keep just important things.
- I want to cook more and save money because the biggest spendings I have are for clothes and food (classic, lol)
- I want to find more time for myself and my body. Go to yoga classes regularly and learn how to meditate.
- I want to find new friends.
- I want to use my phone less (social sites mainly).
What do you think about it? What does make you happy? How do you feel right now in this stage of your life you are in?
I will appreciate every possible comment or if it`s too personal for you, feel free to send me an email. I would like to read all your thoughts on this topic!